Me and Anna, my fiance (*my issues with this word are a sure-fire future entry) proceeded with our usual Saturday upon waking up this morning.
It's nothing fancy, just a trip down to the local bagel store to get some fresh air, and potentially some exercise. Today was a beautiful day, so we decided to walk.
Breakfast went off without a hitch (which is unusual considering the amount of times they've gotten our orders wrong), and we were heading back when a sign caught my eye. It was adorned on the 24-hour location of a fine, local establishment.
A trip over to Wikipedia / Wikipaedia could tell you that this is White Castle, a burger relic that seems to sincerely thrive on either populations that can't tell that tiny, microwaved burgers are not actually "the norm", or folks that put themselves into a state where consumption of quantity vastly overpowers the quality of the food.
When the 2004 hit movie Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle came out, it proved to be in the latter category and it had the effect of propelling the burger chain back in the public eye. It is still nowhere near its competitors McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, and certainly not near any other chains such as Five Guys, Burger Shack, or any other establishment.
In other words, if you're a burger aficionado, it's easier to pretend that this place doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong, I've partaken in it before. But it's easily been over ten years since I had the store-bought microwave version (too easy) of the burgers, much-less actually shown up in person to eat one pint-sized burger, much much less a "Crave Case (!!!)".
But this post is not to infer the wrath of the White Castle Corporation (no idea if that's their actual name). They have a niche product that works for them. It's their sign that caught my interest.
As it operates as a 24-hour establishment, I was intrigued by a sign that mentioned that breakfast was served "starting 12 am!". And this annoyed the hell out of me.
Call me conservative, but 12 am seems waay too early to grab breakfast. I have never, with my own two eyes (okay four..I wear glasses), seen anybody eat breakfast at 12 am. Ever. I have seen people eat all sorts of ungodly products at this hour, but I never heard a drunk person (or worse) go "You know what I'm in the mood for...a bacon, egg and cheese." Never happened.
And while I'm sure there's a NYC truck somewhere that dabbles in this (and places like Denny's do exist after all), this just isn't the normal routine. If somebody's stumbling into a joint at the late / twilight hours, they're probably getting something so dirty, and so greasy that they are going to A) Post a picture on Instagram which will get posted to Twitter which will get posted to Facebook so they can secretly be proud of the year they've taken off of their life or B) Completely go against their dietary and even religious beliefs. (For those wondering, I have seen B before. Maybe that's a story for another time.)
So it got me thinking...when is the perfect Breakfast hour? We've eliminated 12 am because it seems so impractical. By this logic, I believe we can eliminate 1 , 2, and 3 am because people will run quicker to Taco Bell for a Chalupa then they will to a Dunkin' Donuts so they can try the new Texas Toast sandwich. In other words, not flying.
4 am is a tricky hour. Most people are either deep into slumber or just beginning it, and it's an overall odd hour to be eating. Not saying I haven't seen it done, but these are usually petty exceptions like a flight, and I like to think that airport food pretty much negates all usual logic of eating. No, 4 am is still too early for breakfast.
Now how about 5 am? I think we've discovered the real heart of Breakfast. "But 5 am is too early! I'm not up that early!" Number one, I envy your lifestyle where apparently you have the ability to sleep until some time where most people are already either just arriving at work, or have already begun to pretend to work. On my rotations, I have had the 'pleasure' of waking up at 4/5 am, and I can tell you from experience that 5 am just feels more natural for a bowl of cereal.
But is the opposite true? If 5 am is the perfect time for breakfast, wouldn't we have to negate that other meals aren't best suited for this hour? Right ahead of you, loyal reader. I have, in fact, seen people eat non-breakfast food at this hour. And the result was just a slight shade of revolting. I mean, just imagine watching somebody stuff pizza slices into their mouth at 5 am? Does that feel natural to you? Do you believe it is the right and privilege of people to eat whatever foods they want at 5 am? I don't care about how "American" it is, it's wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
So there you go, 5 am is the acceptable time to begin eating breakfast. Anything else is a mid-night snack, substance-induced state, or avoidance of ulcer-related pain. I rest my case.
--------
"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll
No comments:
Post a Comment